Relearning Friendship

I noticed I had this post back from April of this year and never posted it. After reading through it I think it definitely should have been posted. Not sure if I was waiting to add more or what. I think it's just fine how it is.

April, 2010

Lately I have been pondering what the phrase "true friend" means. I have run across a lot of people in the 24 years that I have been alive and all have either helped or hindered my life, obviously. Lately it seems a door has been opened to a completely different view of people in general. But mostly the people who I have held closest to me over a long period of time. It's those people both good ad bad that I am examining in my new "vision".

Once you become a parent things change, you sleep less, you party less, you think A LOT MORE. Both for the future as well as the NOW. You start over analyzing EVERYTHING. Some people let it ruin their lives, but others use it wisely and can learn and grow immensely from it. I am no smarter than any other person nor do I claim to be. I am just another "learner" in this world.

One thing I have learned for myself is that you can't trust people just because they seem "nice" "honest" or say "they care about you". At some point they will disappoint you, lie to you, or completely throw you under the bus. Now this doesn't go for everyone. There are amazing people in this world that are genuine, thoughtful, amazing people who are this way because that's just who THEY ARE. These are the people you wouldn't trade for the world. Then there are the "others". These are the people whom you learn to trust, who you let into your life and tell your secrets to. These are the people who may at times disappoint you but you give them a second chance because you feel in your heart they care for you and are there to help you in this life. Most the time it stops at that. You run into a few tiffs but things usually mend themselves through communication and you're back to being amazing friends again. Then there are the people who you seem to always have this strange "feeling" about that just won't shake off. The people who disappear then reappear in your life but have round about stories as to why. The people who leave you hanging when you need them the most, but are too selfish to see past their own needs.

**SIDE NOTE: this may seem harsh and the people reading this right now I'm sure are wondering.. "is she talking about me!?" The answer is no and yes. I'm not targeting anyone in particular but I'm also not leaving anyone out. I am just posting my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions and experiences. They are all mixed up in this post so that no one feels picked on or offended. It is not my intention to make anyone feel bad about things they have said, done, or whatever. If you feel bad it's probably true and slightly deserved. If you are wondering who I'm talking about don't bother asking I'm not naming names. Just sayin...**

The people who are amazing pretenders, yet they hide so much more than they share solely because it's a pile of lies with small hidden truths that wouldn't have hurt to admit. Bad or good. I feel I know more about pretending now than ever. I have finally seen what it's like to be the pretender and not even know it till everything comes crashing down. I know what it's like to loose the most precious people in your life, your family, on account of pretending to be someone you're not and pushing them away because of your "beliefs". Unfortunately I have been that person. I have hated, mistreated, and ignored those who were just there to help me and love me just as I was. The day I realized how much I was pretending was by far THE WORST DAY of my entire life. Nothing tops feeling completely alone smothered in lies, especially knowing you did it all to yourself. It's dark, cold, and a HUGE eye-opener. It's what I feel to be something similar to a "on your death bed" feeling. Because it does feel like the end. Like there is no way your or anyone can save your life. Waking up from that and trying to revive any relationships you may have left is INSANE. It hurts a lot to admit your mistakes. Especially to those you convinced you were strong and nothing could harm you. But the most to your family. It's hard to come home to strangers.

It's been a long road and I'm still on it. I've had to really think about my choices and the people I have brought into my life. I have learned that you can't EVER let your family go. They will be the ONLY ones who will always love you for the person they saw grow up, the person they helped shape, and the person who will also love them unconditionally. It's hard to regain trust with your family. But it's possible. It will always take time and you have to be willing to be vulnerable. Let yourself get yelled at by those who you know you wronged. It's gonna sting and bring back some ugly memories for the both of you but it's so worth it when you are trying to mend things. Granted not everyone is willing to give second chances and that's something I have had to face. But when they do don't turn it down.